ShoeLaLa

Is there anything more romantic than a rich, handsome prince going door to door making his servant stuff a glass shoe on the left foot of every desperate maiden in the land, because he can’t remember the face of the girl he fell in love with the night before? Dude.

One of my co-workers was wondering if it’s possible to buy real glass slippers. You can imagine the riveting conversation between three bureaucrats about the hypothetical properties of glass footwear. I argued that such a shoe would smash and the wearer would end up writhing in pain with shards of glass stuck in her dainty feet. If Prince Charming likes his women docile and incapacitated, that instant-hausfrau trick might not be such a bad tactic. Regardless, I pledged to investigate my co-worker’s query and post about it on Valentines Day.

As it turns out, Disney did issue a life-sized replica of Cinderella’s fabled glass slipper. I’m not sure what size this shoe is (I’m guessing women’s size 5), but I imagine they wouldn’t want to list the size because they don’t want some Cinderella-obsessed dumbass killing themselves trying to wear these as shoes. I mean seriously, these shoes are made of CRYSTAL and weigh like, fifteen POUNDS. Don’t go there.

Luckily, if people want to mimic the Cinderella fantasy at their wedding, there is a wide variety of clear acrylic heels available on the internet. For example, these sensibly-heeled acrylic ‘Cinderella wedding shoes’.

Nothing makes your special day more memorable than spending it with god awful sweaty feet smooshed up against clear plastic, so all your new inlaws can check out your corns.

There are also sandal options if you want to go the acrylic route. And if you found love over a lapdance, chances are that your bride-to-be was wearing them when you met. Like these fabulous 6″ spike acrylic platform heels, aptly named ‘COCO’ (feel free to picture Ice-T’s wife here for the full monty mental picture). All the more alluring with the shoe model’s withered old foot and grown out pedicure. Be still, my beating heart.

Happy Valentine’s Day, to shoe lovers everywhere. Bah, humbug.